Download a summary of all 15 skills

 

Self Discipline is a person’s ability to wait.  While waiting, a person thinks, processes, and decides how to act. 

Self-Discipline can be thought of as the ability to control impulsive behavior until there is time to make a deliberate choice about the actions that might be most appropriate for any given time.

There are 15 natural opportunities for people to practice waiting in daily life.  They are so natural, we often miss that they are practice opportunities, so we have named them in the Discipline with Purpose skills.

You might ask a child?
            Why are the grouped the way they are?

            Which skill do they need more information about?

            Which skill do they think they are best at?

            Which skill do they need help mastering?

One way to teach the skills is to evaluate a story you are reading with your child, or a TV show you are watching together...

            Where did the characters demonstrate self-discipline skills?

            Can they name the skills a character demonstrated in the story.

Or make up an example, and have the students identify skills.

Or have students write their own story demonstrating a particular skill or give them scenarios at the dinner table, and ask what would happen if?

All 15 skills are taught to all ages.  The first five skills should be mastered by3rd grade, the second five skills by 5th grade and the last five skills should be able to be demonstrated consistently by the end of 8th grade.

The following information on Discipline with Purpose is culled from the materials that the teachers use to teach the skills.  For more information, visit www.DisciplineWithPurpose.com

 

Listening

Why teach listening?
   1.  Inform students how to respond when a listening cue is given
   2.  Quickly bring a group of students to focused attention
   3.  Eliminate outbursts and interuptions
   4.  Equip students with a life skill

Listening is the only skill taught that has a series of steps that we ask the students to memorize.  All the other skills are learned by practicing excerises in which listening is required.  Listening means

    1. Stop what you are doing and saying
    2. Clear away distractions
    3. Look at or toward the person speaking
    4. Be able to tell the person what you heard if asked
    5. Be able to ask questions about what you heard
    6. Be able to do the task the person requested.

Listening vocabulary ideas...

"Please show me your listening skill"
"I need you to focus your attention"
"Thank you for getting into your listening position"

Definitions and teaching ideas to come

Asking Questions is skill #3- one of the basic skills, but also a powerful skill for adults when developed.  The teachers establish the criteria in class for a good question:

•     One that hasn’t been asked before
•     One the speaker hasn’t already answered
•      One that others might need answered also
•      One that doesn’t make the speaker uncomfortable
•      One that helps people think 

We often say, “do you have any questions”.  Try to switch that phrase to “Ask me every question you have about this topic”.  Then allow the children time to think – count to 20.

Use questioning techniques that keep your audience engaged.  Ask the question, wait, then accept the answer. 

Allow wait time so children can think about the question and formulate a good answer.There are four types of questions that we as adults using Discipline with Purpose should avoid-

1. Questions you already know the answer to, such as “what did you do?” when you saw it.
2. Questions that begin with “why” such as “Why did you do that?”  Younger kids probably don’t know why and older kids have the opportunity to make up a reason.  It is better to state what you saw and ask “How?”
3. Questions that are put downs “Can’t you do anything right?”
4. Questions that leave no options.

Teachers may use the policy of THREE BEFORE ME. And it works in the home as well.

After all questions have been address and independent work has begun, encourage children to answer their own questions by asking:  1.  themselves (re-read the material, or remember a previous example  2.  asking a friend or study partner (if it is school work) 3.  You the parent.

Use question cards or cubes for discussions:  WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, HOW AND  WHAT IF.  Roll the cube or give out the cards, challenge the child to formulate a question that starts with the word they are given.

Students can also be taught and prompted

• when is an appropriate time to ask a question. 
• to word a question in a way that doesn’t embarrass the speaker
• to use appropriate signals to let the speaker know when they have a question
• to refrain from asking questions that have already been answered
• to recognize and compliment others for asking thought provoking question
• to design a plan to help him/herself develop the skill of asking question.

• When we share time we wait our turn.  We think while we are waiting:  How am I going to use my time when it is my turn?
• When we share space, we wait until others have moved out of the space we plan to occupy.
• When we share people, we wait until the person is available and appropriately get his or her attention.
• When we share things, we wait for others to finish using them

Older students also learn to share

• Information
• Relationships
• Cultures
• Expertise

Older students share resources by recognizing there are limited resources:

Ask permission to use something that is not theirs.
Wait their turn.
Use materials for a reasonable amount of time, and return it when they are done in the same condition they got it.
Put things back where they found them.

Students practice sharing by

• Raising their hands and waiting to be called on.
• Staying on task while the teacher works with others
• Keeping their desks and the classroom neat and orderly
• Returning materials in the same condition (or better) then they found them
• Not using other people’s words or work as their own.

Teachers might:

Assign a duty of the week to be teacher’s helper- someone to be a second go-to person (handing out papers, answering questions, collecting papers, organizing)Assign students to be responsible for corners of the room on a rotating basis. Teach chilren (and model) orderly use of space vs random use of space.

 Specific use of the Sharing includes:

• How to get someone’s attention without interrupting
• Positive vs. negative attention getting techniques
• Right to privacy-  they don’t have to tell or share their grades with other classmates, they have a responsibility not to ask others to show their grades.
• Teach about personal space.  An imaginary cube surrounds each person.  It moves with the person.  They have a responsibility not to invade someone else’s space.

Skill Vocabulary

• We need to share the sidewalk as we go the __________. I need three volunteers to show what that will look like.
• Monitor your voice level as we share this space
• There is one teacher and 30 students, what are some ways you can share the teacher?

Social Skills are “rules” that exist naturally to help people relate to one another in a positive way.

We teach Social Skills to

1.      develop a civilized culture
2.      help students feel comfortable in different situations
3.      foster acceptance of diversity and inclusion of all students
4.      eliminate hostile or uncomfortable learning environments.

 When we use social skills, we WAIT and THINK when we notice another person, “How can I make this person feel comfortable?”

Social Skills fit into three categories:

1. Customs- the way others interact with people. 
2. Courtesy – how I would want others to act
3. Common Sense – What would happen if everyone acted this way, what would happen if no one acted this way? Pushed to extremes the most logical way of acting will emerge.

A person will be practicing good social skills when they:

1. Value the fact that people need people
2. Notice the needs of others
3. Take action so another person benefits
4. Use criteria to judge what would be appropriate social skills
5. Want to be civilized in a particular setting.

Appropriate social skills could include:

Saying hello and good-bye
Introducing people
Using polite words
Using proper voice levels for the time or the place
Giving and getting compliments
Telephone and computer etiquette
Table manners
Dressing appropriately
Attending to personal hygiene
Disagreeing without being disagreeable

One way to teach social skills is to analyze a Sitcom.  Tape a half hour show and note:

How courteous are the characters on the show?
What forms of greetings are used?
What did you notice about table manners and etiquette?
What did their non-verbal expressions convey?
How was humor used?
What attitude did the show portray toward people of different cultures or traditions?

 Have children role play appropriate social skills for the following situations:

1. attending a funeral
2. visiting aging relatives
3. attending a function with people they have never met
4. giving and receiving complements
5. meeting an important person.

Bullying is often the result of poor Social Skills.  Together with your child, research bullying. Using at least three different sources, find the definition, statistics, examples, and strategies to help victims and things to do to avoid being a bystander. Talk about courteous use of the internet and cell phones.  Introduce them to resources such as "netiquette" to help them judge their own work.

Model Social Skills for your children.  When you, as an adult, use social skills at the store, in traffic, or with friends and acquaintances, identify the skill you were using for your child.  Role play out loud with your child when they (or you) are going in to a new situation.

Cooperation means to act or work with others for mutual benefit. Beyond sharing (working side by side doing the same task) cooperation usually involves a different action for each person in the group.

The purpose of teaching cooperation is to

• build groups that work well together
• eliminate unproductive group activities
• help each individual student own and complete their portion of a project.
• teach students strategies that groups used when making decisions.

Being disciplined is all about learning to wait. While waiting, students can ask, “ is there something I can do to help someone else?” Is my portion the best it can be?” Can I improve or do more?”

Signs that students are cooperating:

• The student can articulate the task that is to be done.
• The student can generate ideas that might help reach the goal
• Agree on a strategy and choose a task they will complete
• Evaluate their own performance and the performance of the group
• Identify which actions helped or hindered cooperation

Brainstorming principles:

• All ideas are significant
• Everyone should have equal time to explain their ideas
• Ideas are evaluated based on a pre-determined criteria (these might be time required, cost, reasonableness, outcome,
• The group must come to consensus on the idea that is selected,
• The best idea is one that incorporates many points of view.

To practice cooperation, students can monitor their own comfort level working with one partner, two partners, and three partners. Students should keep track of the names of study partners that they work well with.

One way to show cooperation is to uphold school and classroom rules. When this does not happen, a person is willing to take a consequence for their actions to show that are willing to cooperate. 

Skill vocabulary:

• When we cooperate everyone must do their part
• Are you ready to cooperate, even if the end result is different than what you expected?
• Remember, you are working as a team, team members help one another
• Can someone else help you?
• Can you help someone else?
• Let's brainstorm ideas
• How can I help you get started?

Ways to teach Cooperation at home

Cooperation in a family requires that each person assume responsibility Children can be assigned a number of duties that equal their age. Make a list of the actions your family can count on you doing. See if the number equals your age.

Select an ordinary object. Take 10 minutes to discuss the characteristics of the object. Brainstorm unusual ways to use the object. Discuss the value of the object. Prepare a one minute speech in which everyone contributes, you are specific, you sell your product, the entire speech is only one minute.

Do the same type of activity to brainstorm ideas for an upcoming project assignment. Use only what you know about a subject, don't go to the internet or books to look up information

Work a puzzle as a family. Give each family member an equal number of pieces, Without looking at the picture, predict how much time it will take to put the puzzle together. Then begin working.  When finished, talk about these questions:

• How close did you come to your prediction?
• What are some of the challenges in cooperating on a puzzle?
• How well did your family cooperate?

End Results

People working to acquire the skill of cooperation can:

• Work productively with others
• Brainstorm
• Reach agreement about a goal
• Resolve group problems peacefully
• Identify their own strengths and weaknesses when working with a group.

Finding ways to complete a Task, Skill #8 

When we teach this, we can help students

• Break learning into small segments
• Set realistic goals
• Discern when they need help or when they can help others
• Learn how to delegate

Facts

Figuring out how to accomplish a task requires impulse control—we wait to act until we have learned the rules or boundaries surrounding the task.

When people practice this skill they may need to

• Identify the task
• Brainstorm ways to do the task
• Select the way that will allow them to do their best quality work
• Set realistic time limits
• Stay focused, see the task all the way through
• Ask for help if needed
• Do their best quality work
• Learn from the experience
• Evaluate the success of their plan.

Skill #8 builds on the skill of Following Instructions.  It means a person comes up with the instructions they are going to follow.  If students struggle with skill #8, check to see how they have mastered the skill of following instructions. It is like giving students socially approved choices and have to select one of the other

Preteaching

Teachers tell the students what they need in order to be an effective teacher (parent).  Invite them to share what they need to be an effective learner (child).  Refer to these lists often.

Talk about and/or require students to write down an action plan before they begin self-directed learning. 

Rubrics help students know what is required in the task.

Talk about the things they can do to make studying effective.

• Sit away from things that might be distracting—friends if at school, or TV at home.
• Make sure all supplies are at hand
• Get into a routine in order to pace him or herself
• Review notes or assignment from they last class, reread the section assigned.
• Fill in the planner or calendar
• List assignments in order of importance
• Read the chapter before the teacher covers it in class
• Make flash cards
• Study a little each night, even if no homework is assigned.  (Parents can help this by saying "Did you finish studying?" in addition to (or instead of) "Did you get your homework done?"

Coaching and Modeling

Demonstrate for children how adults finish a task.

Follow up with students (children) who owe you work.

Coach students (children) after giving instructions..

            Do you know what to do?  pause

            Do you know how to do it?  pause

            How much will you get done in the allotted time?   Pause.

 

We teach the skill of leadership to

Help students take a personal stand on issues

Help students go against negative group pressure

Teach students to go against unsafe, illegal or immoral actions

Distinguish for students the difference between positive and negative leadership

Help students self-evaluate their ability to demonstrate the qualities of a leader. 

One way to teach students to be leaders is to delegate responsibilities to them.  Younger students have jobs or chores they can do. For some reason, as the children get older, we stop doing this for them, just when they are the more capable.  A great mantra is "Never do anything for a child that they can do for themselves" (source unknown)  Have children brainstorm a list of things that they can take on and be responsible for. 

On the High School applications, we are asked to indicate “Leadership” and our choices are “Follower”, “Leads only when asked”, “Seeks opportunities to lead”, “Leader”.

Being a leader is being trustworthy, helping others through charity—not just to the greater community, but to friends, classmates and the whole school.  Leadership is "standing up for what is right, even if you are standing alone",  "doing whatever needs to be done, even if it means more work and less play".  It can mean standing up for victims, or it can mean refusing to engage in put-downs and instead work to build up others.

 

Proper use of communication helps you say what you want to say in a way that others can understand. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Studying communication helps to equip people with effective nonverbal and verbal skills

1. Identify the words and gestures that are offensive and stop using them
2. Curtail the use of sarcasm, whining, gossip, or complaining as a means of communication
3. Develop precise language
4. Learn to express needs, wants and opinions.

It is about responding in a positive way when someone else is talking as much as making yourself  be heard.  People wait before they communicate while they THINK, “how can I make sure I am understood?”

Effective communication includes:

• Showing interest in what another is saying,
• not being distracted,
• Repeat back what you think the other person is saying
• Ask questions that begin with "W"; Who? What?  When? Where? Why?
• Respect the other person’s point of view
• Show a sense of humor, and don’t take yourself too seriously
• Avoid sarcasm or defensiveness in tone and or attitude
• Talk about ideas, books, projects, sports rather than gossip about people

As adults we coach and model good communication when we speak appropriate tone of voice, we don’t use sarcasm or put downs, we listen to children even when, or especially when, they have a point of view different than your own

Everything we address can be approved, anything we diffuse or let slide will appear again.

Use Skill vocabulary

“I don’t believe you are using the tone of voice that will get you anywhere, try again.”

“Your idea is good, your tone is offensive”

“Tell me a better word (a less offensive, less harsh) to use”

"Thank you for sharing your opinion, what I am hearing you say is ..."

When a child “tattles” it is often because they want your attention, don’t give it to them. Say thank you and move on.

You can never be certain put-downs will not hurt someone, don’t use them. 

Children do not understand the complexity of sarcasm.  It sends mixed messages, and does not get the desired result.  Don’t use it on children and don’t model it with adults.

 We expect it of children, we teach it by default, this week we can teach it on purpose. 

Students can be expected to master organization without prompting by about 6th grade.  When early training is provided, the skill may be performed at an earlier age.

The goal of teaching organization is to:

• Help students set realistic deadlines,
• Avoid having disorganized bacs, desks and classrooms
• Give students strategies to use when organizing groups or gatherings
• Help students meet time schedules both in and out of School.
• Assist students to visualize space without the use of props.

There are 3 ways to think about the organization of time, space, people or things:

1.  Linear – one step at a time, To do lists, agendas fit in this category.

2.  Circular – Events that occur with regularity- doing the same thing the same way every day.

3.  Random-  One time events or unplanned or spontaneous events.

When people practice the skill of organization, they:

Set realistic goals for the amount of time available

Describe the system that will be used to get organized

Decide to organize something in a sequential, random or circular fashion

If a meeting is to be held, decide what formal procedure will be used to arrive at mutual decisions.

Determine the agenda and arrangement of space. Make checklists to keep track of all there is to do.

There are 3 pitfalls to good organization

1.  Procrastination: Waiting until later to do something.

2.  Escaping: Daydreaming or doing something else you feel more like doing 3.  Deceiving yourself and others:  Don’t think through the amount of time available or the amount of work that needs to be done so you can say “I ran out of time”  

Things that teachers do to help students learn to organize their time:

Encourage students to use the agendas.

Cassroom routines, procedures and rules plus a discipline cycle and a room arrangement.

Assign tasks for short a period of time can teach children how much they can accomplish in a short period of time. 

To coach or model skill #11:  Organization

• Make it a priority to have your children to school on time.  Be on time to pick them up.
• Invite your child to help you watch the clock.
• Build in time for children to get organized (build organization time in to the end of the day and in the morning before school.
• Monitor agenda use.

Use skill vocabulary

“Set your goals based on the amount of time you have"

“How can we organize this project into manageble chunks?”

“Let’s try to beat the clock in emptying the dishwasher”

“Let's work on this together for 10 minutes, will you please be the time keeper?”

We teach this skill to

1.  Help students take responsibility for their actions

2.   Avoid debates or arguing when corrected

3.  Avoid power struggles

4.  Avoid confusion about what will happen if rules are not followed.

5.  Help students learn the principles of problem solving  (Negotiation, start from a positive premise, seeing 2 points of view)

 To help children in primary grades develop this skill, we teach them these principles:

1. Problems cannot be solved by hitting, but by talking
2. Time out can be used to get ready to talk about a problem.
3. People must work to fix a problem so the same thing doesn’t happen attain
4. You can not fix a problem by making a problem for someone else.

Students in time out can be thinking or writing about these questions

1. Why do I think I was sent to time out?
2. What is my side of the story?
3. What do I think should happen next?

Teach older children the principles of disagreements

It is OK to disagree

People who disagree are not strange or bad

When people disagree with an idea is doesn’t mean the persons’ ideas are unimportant.

When two people disagree it doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong.

You can agree to disagree

It doesn’t mean you have to be angry

You can still respect and trust each other

There are 5 methods used to resolve problems:

1. Competition- One person attempts to dominate
2. Accommodate – One person gives up their position
3. Avoidance – People need time, an issue is minor or too damaging to confront
4. Compromise – Both parties listen negotiate, are flexible and win some and lose some in the discussion.
5. Collaborate-  Parties identify areas of agreement and disagreement.  They look at alternatives and find mutually agreeable solutions.

As teachers, we can preteach Resolving Problems in several ways:  the first is to make sure your discipline plan works well for and it is taught to the students.  A DWP plan usually follows this format:

1.  Cue students so they can self correct

2.  Verbal interactions between student and teacher

            How can I help you self-correct?

            What are you doing

            What should you be doing?

3. Draw or write- the student documents the difficulty

4.  Notify parent

5.  Meeting with administrator, parent, student, teacher

6.  If no noticeable change, refer to administration

There are a number of alternative discipline cycles.

 

We also need to identify unproductive behaviors that cause people to avoid resolving problems

• Fearful of confrontation or anxiety about become over emotional
• Confrontations take too long and time is limited
• Dislikes disagreements: likes to keep peace at all costs.
• Uses sarcasm, or nags
• Unsure of appropriate consequences
• Attacks student’s character
• Acts superior
• Makes assumptions
• Mimics the student

These can refer to teachers, parents or to the students.

 

We can also Coach and Model Resolving Problems in several ways

• Invite the student to discuss issues of concern directly with the teacher if a school issue or the parent if a home issue or friends if it is a friend issue.
• Build in times when you are available to listen to concerns
• Obtain input on the discipline cycle you use. Be consistent.
• Separate fact from feeling before confronting.
• An effective confrontation should take no longer than 5 minutes.  Table the matter if it takes longer. 

Check yourself to be sure you aren’t using one of the unproductive behaviors.

Skill #13 Initiating solutions

We teach this skill so that students can acknowledge they have behavioral choices.  This skill helps students learn effective principles to use when taking the first step to resolve a problem and encourages students to become agents of change.  Students also learn how to avoid inappropriate confrontations.

In order to practice initiating solutions, a person uses these guidelines:

1. Always go to the source of the problem.
2. Talk it through with a neutral person if necessary.
3. When you need to speak to an adult or peer, make an appointment
4. Put what you want to say in writing
5. Be clear about the results you hope to achieve
6. Be willing to change your point of view if new evidence becomes available.

An important step in taking the initiative to resolve problems is the ability to negotiate for what is desired. 

You cannot fix your problem by making a problem for someone else.

We can coach and model this skill by

• Always take the initiative when children engage in dangerous, disrespectful or disruptive behaviors.
• Invite children to discuss issues of concern directly with you.
• Build in times when you are avialble to listen to your child's concerns.
• Compliment children when they take the initiative to resolve issues.
• Invite feedback of your decisions, methods or style
• Establish expectations to students will know what to do to earn their privledges.
• Show children you are able to let go of some of your power and will negotiate.
• Don’t put up blinders and avoid confrontations.  Whatever you ignore or diffuse will surface again and at some point need to be confronted.

Skill Vocabulary

• "Is this a good time for you to talk to me about this issue?"
• "Lets explore the alternatives"
• "Can you help me so I can understand your reasons?"
• "How can we resolve this so that we both come out winners?"

People working on this skill can:

1. Recognize when a problem exists
2. List 3-4 resource people available to help with the problem.
3. Speak up during family or class meetings
4. Volunteer to help others as needed without promoting
5. List the 5 principles of disagreements.  (They agree, you agree, compromise, agree to disagree, or negotiate)
6. Create a contract to resolve problems
7. Identify problems and work on the solution
8. Critique the effectiveness of solutions generated to correct problems.

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Serving others is Skill #15, the last of the 15 self-discipline skills. Serving others often requires a sacrifice.  It means that someone puts the needs of others first.

 When people are successful at practicing this skill they

• Understand that two or more valuable things can come in competition with one another.
• Compare the things according to certain parameters
• Decide which to keep and which to let go of.
• Focus on the satisfaction of the choice for the greater good or for the benefit of someone other than themselves.
• Live with the decision and avoid nurturing regrets.
• Accept compliments that may come from others because they have demonstrated service given or sacrifice made.

Primary children will understand this skill more from the adults reaction "When you shared your cookie, it made my heart warm, you made a sacrifice and that is a difficult skill for some people to do."

Primary children learn that when they choose to do any of the self-discipline skills there will be a benefit to themselves as well as others. 

Students in grades 3-5 will understand this skill as “being super fair”

Maimonides, a 12th century Jewish philosopher made the following observations of the motives of people who performed acts of kindness:

• The highest form of charity is to help the poor become self-supporting by lending them money, taking them into partnership or giving them work, for in this way there is no loss of self-respect.
• The next motivation is that people give in such a way that neither the giver, nor the receiver, know the identity of the other.
• Less noble, but still recognized, is when we give in such a way that the one who receives does not now who has given.
• Next is when one gives but does not know to whom or why.
• Some are motivated to give before being asked.
• Others give only after being asked.
• Others give less than is fitting, but give willingly.
• Lastly, others give, but grudgingly.

Older students respond to the concept of pay it forward.  When someone does a good deed or action to you, you, in turn, pass a good deed or action on to others.

Talk with children about the value of sacrificing to discover if this skill carries a negative or positive connotation.  Question such as...

• What does it mean to you to sacrifice?
• Does “sacrificing” mean something good or bad?
• What is the biggest sacrifice your family has had to make?
• Describe a time when you made a sacrifice.

Teach children that actions may not always appear to be fair.  Everyone has different needs, and that means that each person will receive what is equitable, but not necessarily ‘fair’ or ‘equal’.

People successfully practicing this skill say:

• "I can be mature and let go of thinking that everything has to be equal"
• "I will try to identify when two valuable things are in competition."
• "I can perform random acts of kindness, not for a reward, but to become a better person."
• "I can recognize that not everyone will choose to practice this skill.  I might be the only one."
• "When I volunteer, I will follow through, because I know someone is counting on me"
• "When I think of the needs of others, I know that my own needs may not be met."

Adults use skill vocabulary to help teach skills...

• "What are you willing to give up?"
• "What will you gain?"
• "What valuable items are in competition here?"
• "That action was “super fair” or that was a “random act of kindness”
• "I need a volunteer"
• "The kind of volunteer I need is someone who… wont get get giggles when they are in front of others… likes to role play…can take this task seriously"
• "This isn’t a matter of fairness. I’m asking you to think about the needs of others now."

Ways to teach the skill of “Serving Others” at home

• Plan a service opportunity for your family.
• Talk at the dinner table about “what would it be like if…there were no hunger left in the world… we helped a family at Christmas… we needed help and someone offered”
• Cut out stories, photos of people in the 20^th century that made sacrifices so that life is better for people.
• Find websites that explain the work they do to help others.  Explore the site then discuss the questions below.
• • Which site was most effective and why
  • What cautions should we use when giving to groups and organizations? 
  • What cause would you like to help? What can you do besides give money?

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16035 S. 48th St., Phoenix, AZ 85048
480-219-4848

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